Natural Timing

Sometimes as parents or mothers we start to want to compare and we worry excessively about where our children are in regards to learning and intelligence or sports and activities.

Maybe we feel it is a reflection on our parenting skills. Maybe we want to see our children be good at something and it is a desire for them to distinguish themselves. Maybe we think people respect us more when we are involved in so many things or have our hand in a million pots.

It's easy to get caught up in this at times. I become worried in my children's abilities , wanting to compare them to others rather than just their abilities. This is where I usually make mistakes and errors in parenting my children or in the calmness I feel in my self and self worth.

McCall was a good reader. She was one of the oldest in her class and she also was a really diligent and hard worker and she wanted to please. In preschool she started reading and I remember her starting Kindergarten reading well.

Fast forward 5 years and I found myself with Elizabeth in Preschool. To me she just didn't seem ready so we laid off pushing reading, even though it was so hard to step back and allow her time to prepare as I watched other children progress.

Summer before kindergarten we started reading and she seemed to pick it up quickly, but upon starting kindergarten that gnawing feeling and emotion started to creep in. Was she going to do okay? Was she going to be on the same level as other children? I started to allow comparisons to enter my thoughts and I had to push them back and away.

Every meeting with her teacher seemed to go well. She was on target and doing well. But because it was so different than my other child  and I compared and secretly worried about the timing, McCall had a good year of reading before kindergarten.

Fast forward to yesterday in the 1st Grade classroom when a mother Kandace, whom I love and admire, pulled me aside to comment about Elizabeth. We have really seen Elizabeth take off this year in reading and she seems to have a real talent when it comes to words and sounding out bigger words.

Kandace told me what an amazing reader Elizabeth is and how her son was always commenting at home about how she was the fastest reader in the class. (Not sure if that is exactly true or not, kids are funny.)

As I thought about it briefly afterward, I thought about how sometimes as parents we try to force learning on children and don't take into account all the signs that they are ready. Had I not clued into Elizabeth's readiness I may have forced reading at an earlier stage and possibly frustrated her with it. Had I allowed that comparison syndrome to enter into my heart, I may have pushed too hard and made it a negative experience. By forcing anything before it's time we may be setting children up for failure. It is hard not to compare but when our intentions stem from comparison I think we set ourselves (and children) up for failure.

Later, when I told Elizabeth about this positive comment from a classmate she said "I know at centers when we are at the round table reading everyone always hands me their books and asks me how to say words and I have to (placing her hands up in the air palms forward in a holding or stopping motion) tell them 'One at a time guys, one at a time!'" I got a good laugh at her expression and comment.

Moving away from reading, what about other things? I have to accept that one of my daughters may not enjoy dancing. Maybe one will not like violin or have the ability to pick it up. Should I become Tiger Mom and demand that they learn something or pick up a hobby or skill? I am all for setting high expectations for children but that is different then forcing them into a mold of what we think is the 'ideal' or acceptable.

Do we ever pick out gifts, pick out homes, clothes, activities, because of what others have, use, or like, rather than what we like? Does the happiness associated with obtaining something; skills, intelligence, or tangibles - whatever it is, just because someone else is doing it or likes it, compare with the happiness of being our own person and doing what we like, and what fulfills our hearts?

I have always admired people who could live and honor their own conscience. Who answer to no one but themselves. I have little respect for those who do or have things simply to compete or compare in 'haves' with others. I've always felt it a personal weakness in not being strong enough to be your own person, make your choices without worrying what others will think. But that is sort of a natural tendency.

When we force the natural timing of things or dishonor our intent, we may be messing up the success of those skills, gifts and blessings the Lord has in store for us. I have seen this in my life so many times, but as I learn to let go, to seek the Lord, HIS counsel and try to learn from HIS timeline instead of forcing things from my view and my wants and will, I see how much greater I am able to learn, develop and when the timing is right I see how much more I enjoy those blessings awaiting me and how much better I enjoy the fruits.