Entitlement

A family I adore and a mother and woman I totally look up to got me really thinking about what I am doing to my children.

What are you doing to your children? You say.

This.

I am worried that I am creating an expectation which could be harmful to their success in life. 

And it starts with me. There is no one else responsible but me (and my cute hubby).

It starts with this...

I seem to think that Disneyland is a right of passage for children. It is something that children need. Yearly, every other year, or every couple years. Whatever. And I was passing that on to my children.

Case in Point.

This amazing, wonderful, admired mother and family recently decided to go to Disneyland before their oldest leaves high school and heads out for the world that awaits him. They had never been to Disneyland and may not have the opportunity to go as a family again.

And? You say.

When I started thinking about this I thought about how awful I had felt that it had been 6 years since our last trip to Disneyland. (BTW - I had three children in that time.) We kept talking about going but we had a new baby, or I was pregnant, so we just pushed it off. 

So why did I feel bad. Is there a written law that kids have to go to Disneyland every year? Every other year? Ever?

I never went. We'll my family tried to go when I was younger but in true National Lampoon style when they got to Disneyland it was CLOSED. Really! When does Disneyland close, you say? We'll in the 80's when they tried to go, IT DID.

Right.

I thought about what message I am sending to my kids and I saw that I need to change the way we are raising these little ones. Life isn't all about their pleasure and enjoyment. They are going to have a hard time holding down a job, providing for family, and making the sacrifices necessary to parent their own children properly if they think life is all out them and having fun.

I want to raise children who learn that not everything they want is handed to them. They are not entitled to everything they see. Life isn't all about them. And don't kids think that? They walk in the school and think that everyone is thinking of them, that the school rotates around them and their presence in the school. Ha Ha! It's something we all experience as children to one degree or another and HOPEFULLY, but not certainly, grow out of as we mature.

Is it wrong if you got to Disneyland every year? That's not what I am saying. And I'm sure that this lovely family has done lots of fun things as a family, even better than Disneyland.

From this experience I simply saw that I need to readjust and pull back. I need to make my children more grateful for those opportunities which are given them and not make them an expectation. A right of life. I need to make them work for what they get, and learn how to work, work hard and honestly, regardless if what they reap is great or small.

I hope some day I can be as spot on as this good family I so admire and adore.

Life

I read this article recently and it spurred thoughts about this issue...

Abortion Is as American as Apple Pie

It is such a hard topic for so many but for me it stands as this...

We are forbidden to take life.

So then begins the debate of what is life.

Is the fetus just tissue and blood?

It is interesting that a doctor, who performs abortions, states:

"In the beginning [pro-lifers] were calling it a baby. We were saying it was only blood and tissue. Let's agree this is a life form, a potential life; you're terminating it. You don't have to argue that abortion stops a beating heart. It does."

But I didn't need to hear it from this doctor or from any doctor.

I heard it from Elisabeth and Mary in the New Testament over 2012 years ago (give or take a few years).

When Mary approached Elisabeth, John leaped for joy in the womb. Jesus was who He was in that tiny fetus in Mary, and John was who he was. Those individual spirits were already there. They were sacred and whole individuals, with thoughts, actions and emotions.

Does this mean we should be cruel to someone who has made this choice? Certainly not. The Savior was about nothing if not love and forgiveness, but man alive, He also taught what was right and what we need to do to be numbered among His sheep and that we should strive to live what is right and importantly to help others to know and see His light. So I will stand up for what I believe and what I believe the Savior expects of me.

I believe Satan delights in each spirit which is rejected it's chance to come to this earth, receive a body and experience joy and pain. Satan does not have a body, and without that body, the power and glory of mortal life. Satan can never experience the touch of a baby's hand, he cannot smell the beauty of a baby's head. He cannot feel the exquisiteness of pure heaven, as an infant rest upon your shoulder and nuzzles into that sweet spot at the crook of the neck. The baby's sweet breath warms the skin upon your neck and the glory felt at that moment cannot be described with mere words. Satan cannot have that without a physical body and he is just mean enough to want to take that away from others.

No, I cannot support anyone, any party, or any law, which believes they have God's power to give and take life. Some would question the death penalty, and say it is taking on God's power but I believe it is not a legitimate or equal debate, regardless of how I feel about it.

We are all accountable for our own sins and it was that way since Adam. In my opinion, abortion is taking sin out upon a baby, the death penalty takes sin out upon the individual. Two different issues entirely.

To me, it is not a moral issue, it is a matter of life.

Growing Up

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about callings. We have both served as Relief Society Presidents and reminisced about the various burdens, challenges, blessings, and growth associated with this calling.

For me, this calling has helped me "grow up". I was naive about a lot of things. I had my ideals and my opinions. I am ashamed to say I thought I knew it all, knew how to solve problems, so often answers and solutions seemed so clear.

The biggest blessing has been that when those hands were placed upon my head to set me apart to this position, I had an instant and immediate feeling of love and compassion for the sisters. I instantly started viewing the sisters in the ward with the Saviors eyes. His love for them filled my heart.

As I said, I often thought I knew that if people just did this and this and this, then everything would be alright. I thought that solutions were simple.

Life is not that way. People suffer unjustly. Others are cruel, and make the path difficult for others. Sometimes people mean to do things to hurt others, sometimes it is just a thoughtless moment. The Savior and no other can judge our hearts.

I had a moment once when someone said something to me that was really hurtful, I left thinking... "when we die and our actions are replayed, I hope this person sees how I felt by what they said". As quickly as I had the thought the Spirit whispered to my heart and mind... "Would you want me to hold on to the things you've said that have hurt someone?"

I felt awful for even having that momentary thought.

The Lord is the only one to judge, he knows what others are going through emotionally, physically, spiritually. We are all on a path. This calling has helped me see that and recognize that I am in no place to judge, something I may have been to apt to do.

I still have huge hurdles to overcome. I am miles from the place I need to be or the woman I need to become. But I am grateful for the Saviors constant urging, for His gentle correction, for His words of comfort when I kneel to Him each night and express my sorrow for not being the woman that He needs or wants me to be. And let me tell you it's a long list EVERY night.

I am grateful for the opportunity to "grow up" a little.

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
           ---1 Corinthians 13:11

Keeping FOCUS during the holiday's

I have always loved Christmas. It's one of my favorite times of year. I love twinkling lights. I love cold air that hardens your nose as you breathe in. I love warm mugs of cocoa being stirred with a candy cane. I love the smell of pine. A warm blanket and a holiday book. I love Christmas break for the kids. I love decorating the house, with pine garland strung up the stair banisters.

After thanksgiving I would spend the following day decorating the house. It usually took me a good day or two days as bedrooms, bathrooms in addition to kitchens and living areas had to have their mark of red and green. 

About 6 years back as I pulled out bin after bin, box after box to decorate, I started thinking. As I pulled out decoration after decoration I started looking at prices left on boxes, I started thinking about the cost of all these items. The time spent gathering these items. I then started to consider the humble birth of the Savior. The simplicity of it all.

At that point I considered homes where efforts are made to put one gift under the tree. I considered children in other countries who struggle to have clean water, a good meal once a day. I thought about the waste of all this and it made me sick. Spiritual and physically.

Right away I grabbed some cardboard boxes and I started stuffing decorations inside. If it didn't have to do with the Savior I got rid of it. Snowmen were gone. I streamlined the amount of decorations. Limiting the living room to nativities. In the kitchen I kept just a few things to go on my window ledge with a bit more flexibility to kid appeal.

No more decorations in the bathrooms. Out with many of the Santa's. Only ones with sentimental appeal.

I started thinking about a family that might enjoy going to goodwill and picking up decorations and their excitement at finding these nice items and it became easier to load up the cardboard boxes. The heaviness in my heart started to lift. Children in countries without water, food, immunizations would benefit from the sale of  these items at Deseret Industries (goodwill). I started to feel light.

(The storage room was lighter - I believe I took over 7 boxes to goodwill.)

One of these years when my girls are a bit older our family is going to do something amazing for Christmas.

Each year since this enlightenment, as I pull out my items and look at the wise men, at a small lamb, at Mary and Joseph and the humble babe Jesus, I am excited. It is not a task. It has been easier to let go, this year I didn't do garlands on the banisters, it still looks pretty, I just didn't want to spend any more time doing it and wanted to be with my family (and a little two year old would have probably messed with them so why not keep them down this year).

It is not with drudgery that I complete the task of decorating, it is with excitement. That joy in the season has returned. That simplistic joy in the birth of the Savior and this time of year in which we celebrate that. It is now with joy that I look at my home and feel happy that I chose the better part.

Natural Timing

Sometimes as parents or mothers we start to want to compare and we worry excessively about where our children are in regards to learning and intelligence or sports and activities.

Maybe we feel it is a reflection on our parenting skills. Maybe we want to see our children be good at something and it is a desire for them to distinguish themselves. Maybe we think people respect us more when we are involved in so many things or have our hand in a million pots.

It's easy to get caught up in this at times. I become worried in my children's abilities , wanting to compare them to others rather than just their abilities. This is where I usually make mistakes and errors in parenting my children or in the calmness I feel in my self and self worth.

McCall was a good reader. She was one of the oldest in her class and she also was a really diligent and hard worker and she wanted to please. In preschool she started reading and I remember her starting Kindergarten reading well.

Fast forward 5 years and I found myself with Elizabeth in Preschool. To me she just didn't seem ready so we laid off pushing reading, even though it was so hard to step back and allow her time to prepare as I watched other children progress.

Summer before kindergarten we started reading and she seemed to pick it up quickly, but upon starting kindergarten that gnawing feeling and emotion started to creep in. Was she going to do okay? Was she going to be on the same level as other children? I started to allow comparisons to enter my thoughts and I had to push them back and away.

Every meeting with her teacher seemed to go well. She was on target and doing well. But because it was so different than my other child  and I compared and secretly worried about the timing, McCall had a good year of reading before kindergarten.

Fast forward to yesterday in the 1st Grade classroom when a mother Kandace, whom I love and admire, pulled me aside to comment about Elizabeth. We have really seen Elizabeth take off this year in reading and she seems to have a real talent when it comes to words and sounding out bigger words.

Kandace told me what an amazing reader Elizabeth is and how her son was always commenting at home about how she was the fastest reader in the class. (Not sure if that is exactly true or not, kids are funny.)

As I thought about it briefly afterward, I thought about how sometimes as parents we try to force learning on children and don't take into account all the signs that they are ready. Had I not clued into Elizabeth's readiness I may have forced reading at an earlier stage and possibly frustrated her with it. Had I allowed that comparison syndrome to enter into my heart, I may have pushed too hard and made it a negative experience. By forcing anything before it's time we may be setting children up for failure. It is hard not to compare but when our intentions stem from comparison I think we set ourselves (and children) up for failure.

Later, when I told Elizabeth about this positive comment from a classmate she said "I know at centers when we are at the round table reading everyone always hands me their books and asks me how to say words and I have to (placing her hands up in the air palms forward in a holding or stopping motion) tell them 'One at a time guys, one at a time!'" I got a good laugh at her expression and comment.

Moving away from reading, what about other things? I have to accept that one of my daughters may not enjoy dancing. Maybe one will not like violin or have the ability to pick it up. Should I become Tiger Mom and demand that they learn something or pick up a hobby or skill? I am all for setting high expectations for children but that is different then forcing them into a mold of what we think is the 'ideal' or acceptable.

Do we ever pick out gifts, pick out homes, clothes, activities, because of what others have, use, or like, rather than what we like? Does the happiness associated with obtaining something; skills, intelligence, or tangibles - whatever it is, just because someone else is doing it or likes it, compare with the happiness of being our own person and doing what we like, and what fulfills our hearts?

I have always admired people who could live and honor their own conscience. Who answer to no one but themselves. I have little respect for those who do or have things simply to compete or compare in 'haves' with others. I've always felt it a personal weakness in not being strong enough to be your own person, make your choices without worrying what others will think. But that is sort of a natural tendency.

When we force the natural timing of things or dishonor our intent, we may be messing up the success of those skills, gifts and blessings the Lord has in store for us. I have seen this in my life so many times, but as I learn to let go, to seek the Lord, HIS counsel and try to learn from HIS timeline instead of forcing things from my view and my wants and will, I see how much greater I am able to learn, develop and when the timing is right I see how much more I enjoy those blessings awaiting me and how much better I enjoy the fruits.

Monday and manners

So I have a great respect for our youth, I think the world of them and know that they are capable of amazing things. I have high expectations, but so does the Lord. I talked to a primary leader recently who told me about a struggle with children in our primary and tech toys. She explained the hardship leaders face with these devices.

We had considered a device for McCall, but worried she wasn't completely ready. It prompted a conversation with a primary teacher who was telling me about the struggles with her class and the attention being taken and time spend trying to revert attention back to the lesson and away from the device.

I know it's one of those "grey" areas where a lot has to do with parents - where they are at and how they feel. But when it disrupts a teacher, a class or a primary, YM/YW, it passes beyond the parents feelings I believe. We can completely miss the mark and talk about the good these gadgets can do, and good people who use them. For adults who have been taught and know how to use gadgets properly, it is acceptable to use them in a church setting. (Albeit many adults miss the mark on proper use too!)

But what about the youth? When are they responsible enough to know when to use and not to use these devices?

It got me thinking about what the real problem is. It is not the devices themselves. You could believe that any device is incompatible with anything close to good manners. I disagree... it's the people operating them. For our youth, it's the same problem we face with so many other issues today. Lack of teaching, guidance and follow up on behalf of the parents.

Etiquette is basically about paying some attention to the convenience and comfort of the people that you interact with. Whether technology is involved or not, the basics of good manners apply. "Technology doesn’t cause or contribute to breaches in manners, it just put a new face on old symptoms of inattention,indifference,or boorishness."

I'll step off my soapbox now. :)

Leading with Love

LEADING WITH LOVE:

"Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness..."*

As I thought about all the mistakes I make on a daily basis, as a wife, mother, friend and especially in my calling I thought of the difference kindness makes. Sometimes I feel sick over how apparent my sins and shortcomings are (and I'm supposed to serve the sisters when I am so full of error?). When I read the above I thought about the difference when people treat one another with love and those who seem to want to criticise and find error with every move someone makes. I see the difference in those who look for good and find it and those who are waiting at an instant to take something said or done the very worst way.


I think one thing that has been the hardest about my calling right now is that some people think that leadership puts you in a position to judge. We hear that some will be a judge in Israel and that's true but at times I feel like sisters want to apologize to me for shortcomings, I sometimes want to say, do you think you have to explain to ME? Me who is so full of sin and error? Do you think I can judge you? I'm having to stockpile forgiveness from the Lord, I can't afford to make apparent my beam by pointing out others mote!


I don't think that I was a judgemental person before, but I can really see how this calling has helped me to see the gold which is in everyone, to not take offense, because you just don't know the history, how someone was feeling and what was going on when something was done or said. It has helped me see that we are all just trying to sort our way through.


I am so grateful for the people in my life who have lead with love and set the example; for a husband who wants me to be the daughter that Heavenly Father intended me to be, for a Bishop and my presidency who put up with me and all my errors and accept my offering even when I know I should be doing so much more to help, for friends who see my faults yet love me anyway, and for my daughters who love me and who forgive me when I have made mistakes.

*From: Daughters in My Kingdom

Greater Focus

I love conference!

Okay, who doesn't and every year I could profess that the "talks were just for me" or "the talks were so good this conference" or "the Spirit was so amazing" or "I'm going to do so much better".

I'm going to do better is what I always feel when sitting and listening. I see the Gospel so clearly, I see the simple beauty in it and see what matters most. I see my faults and see what I need to do better. I'm going to be a better mother, more patient, I will be a better wife, I'll be a better visit teacher - I'll really serve my sisters and their families. I'll be a better RS President. I'll spend an hour each day serving the sisters in some way. I'll be more Christlike all the time. People will see my faith in Jesus Christ, they will feel my love for him by seeing the way I live and the way I treat and talk about others. My scope becomes broad - worldwide - rather than the narrow scope I see with most of the time. What are my struggles? Look around you Ashley. I'm going to do something great - something worldwide. I feel that I can do anything, that I can overcome anything.

No wonder conference is so powerful when we sit and experience personal revelation for our lives.

Then Monday comes and real life starts again and within the first day I seem to have completely forgot what I felt so strongly only 24 hours before! Why is that!

Moses went into the mount and came back to a people who had completely lost vision and focus. I guess that is why conference comes every 6 months. Longer than that and I'd be back to my super narrow focus of me and my, me and my. Twice a year to refocus, realign and recommit.

I am so grateful for this amazing Gospel. For the way the Lord molds and sculpts me into the woman I need to become. For the Spirit as it reveals to me where I need to go and what I need to do. How it gives me a greater focus on who I am and what God expects of me.

Daughters in My Kingdom

I am loving reading Daughters in My Kingdom. I am slowly chewing over one chapter a day. My instinct is to eat up the book as fast as I can but I am holding back taking one chapter at a time so I can really think and study it.
Yesterday I read this and it really got me thinking...

Joseph Smith Jr. "warned against a disposition to consider the lower offices in the Church dishonorable and to look with jealous eyes upon the standing of others" This he said, "was the nonsense of the human heart, for a person to be aspiring to other stations than appointed of God."

When I read this I thought about two extremes I've observed. Some who seem to hold their personal value and worth in the status of a church calling. Constantly speaking about their position, letting all know of their good works, and assuming their calling makes them more worthy, or means they are more loved or respected by the Lord - inadvertantly telling anyone in a "lower" office they are inferior. On the other side of the spectrum there are those who think they are inferior because they have not held a "high" calling. Who feel useless as a teacher and fail to see the contribution or the worth because it is not seen by "all".

When I though of this I thought of the Savior and His service. What was He doing? What would He be doing?  I think He would be in the nursery, on the floor loving and cuddling those sweet babes. He would be in primary teaching a child on his lap, kissing the cheek and showing them love. He would be in the home as a teacher, lifting a burden and caring for a family.

Of all the callings in the church, I think I respect the unseen ones the most. Don't get me wrong I completely sustain and love the leadership of the church, i have great respect for those who lead us...local and general. I just wonder if when we stand before the Lord to account, if the positions He will hold in highest esteem and will be the most pleased with, will be the ones that no sees, for the one's that are seen, well, they have their reward.

I hope I can do a better job of being the one behind the scene, helping, getting on the floor, doing what is needed. I so love this book and how it is helping me evaluate my life.

Blogging

So I have mixed feelings about blogging.

Often as bloggers we show pictures of kids at their cutest, we describe life at it's best, and we cut out the real life struggles and hardships we face. Someone reading it could think life is rosy with no perceivable problems in the bloggers life. As women we judge ourselves and compare ourselves with others and it pushes away true discernment of where we are and our standing with God (which is all that matters).

Then there is the time. We can spend an hour looking at the lives of others and that hour is gone, never to return.

As I look back on my blog I fall in love with the stages our family was at. I delight in the things my children did or said and it reminds me (sadly) how fast time has gone. Yet through that sadness I recommit to do more to take advantage of this time with my children. I love the way the blog journals my thoughts and feeling. How I see my growth. OR in hindsight see how I could have done different. This is what I love about blogging.

So after a few weeks - dare I say months - of feeling like I should take a moment to blog I am going to follow that prompting up and start to devote a bit of time to blogging. I will not be a once a day-er; I just don't have that time to sacrifice. I am really trying to make sure I get my personal scripture study in each morning (I did horrible this summer) and right now I have set a chapter a day goal for "Daughters in My Kingdom" M-F so I can read and study it in the next two weeks. So after I accomplish the things I need to do I will try to jot down life and what is happening and how I feel.

For those who want to read along I enjoy the company, the thoughts, the support and kind comments!

Thou Shalt Not

I love FHE night. Usually I take a thought or impression from Sunday's worship and follow up on it on our Monday lesson. So last night for family home evening, based on a prompting from a high council talk, we had our lesson on the 10 Commandments. We discussed each commandment, what it meant and how to live it. We discussed that as we break any one of these we will feel the spirit leave distinctly. (Hopefully we carry the Spirit with us enough that the odd occurrence is it's presence leaving us, not feeling it come occasionally.) I digress... as we went through discussing each commandment... we came to this quote on COVET and I really liked it.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said... "To covet is to have an eager, extreme and ungodly desire for something."

When we covet something we usually want it selfishly, vainly, or pridefully.

Lately I have been really disgusted with my body, four kids later and my thighs don't fit into my jeans and my belly seems to lop over the waste band of my jeans. I have been really anxious, might I say eager, to get into a workout routine but I seriously rarely have a husband around and my kids are at an age which makes it really difficult to leave them unattended to go down and workout. AND I certainly will not pawn them off to the care of someone else to go work out. I have been extremely critical of myself and may I say my husband about this. I haven't said it in words to him but it's been there -- underlying -- "why can't he make time so I can work out".

And then we had this lesson last night and this morning it was reiterated to me as I looked out at the crisp cold sky and noticed a neighbor pulling in her garbage can in her workout clothes and as clearly as the Lord was standing before me I heard in response to my coveting thought "Ashley, it is okay, your time will come, right now your focus is, and should be, your little ones, they will be grown so fast, take care of them now. Next year will be a little easier, you'll have a little more time to yourself as they grow. Your body can wait -- your children cannot."

How grateful I am for the tender mercies of the Lord. For the guidance and direction of the Spirit who can guide and speak to us in all things.

I was so grateful for this lesson, later in family prayer I could see the effect it had as Erik prayed for specific things for our family which related to the 10 commandments and the request to help us remember these thoughts and impressions this week. They are so basic, and seem so simple but this lesson has us really looking and evaluating how well we are fulfilling them.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy
5. Honour thy father and thy mother
6. Thou shalt not kill
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery
8. Thou shalt not steal
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness
10. Thou shalt not covet

Gifts and Presents

Christmas is coming. Which means paper, scotch tape, ribbon and tags. Lots of gifts and presents will be exchanged. Gifts and Presents...

Somewhere I picked up a definition of the differences between a gift and a present. It went like this...

GIFT

A gift is something which you know the person wants, something that they need and desire after. A gift is something thought out and specific to that individual. A gift is given without thought to yourself, but is personal to the one you are bestowing the gift upon. It may not at times be something you agree with, enjoy or even like but you are doing it for the person so you forget yourself and give. Sometimes it may take a big sacrifice, of time and/or money, but you give to bring happiness to the life of that person. That is a gift.

Look at the word gift.

gift: 1. something given

Then associate it back to the work give.

Give: 1. put into the possession or keeping of another 2. pay 3. contribute or donate 4. yield to 5. let out of one's control

You see the similarities of the two words and meaning. A gift is about about GIVING.

PRESENT

A present is something which you want to give. Something more for your enjoyment in giving it then necessarily for the recipients enjoyment. Presents are not necessarily a negative thing... sometimes presents are more exciting for the person giving because it is something they love, something they are excited about, and they want to share that excitement and love of it with someone else. Often that person may love it as much as the giver which makes the present more appreciated.

Look at the word present and it's other meanings...

present: 1. introduce 2. to bring before the public 3. make a gift to

you can see that it's focus is more public, more focus is on the person PRESENTING than on receiving.

In the gospel we often talk about the gift of the atonement, it was something we needed, something that was given for us with much sacrifice on behalf of the giver.

I was just thinking about this the other day and thinking that this year I am going to try harder to give GIFTS this year.

My long....rant maybe?

Last night I was up until 2am working in the office...I haven't recorded expenses or filed anything since January and I had started throwing stacks of bills and papers to be filed in a large paper shopping bag. (Just so my desk looked clean.) Needless to say it was time so instead of relaxing in bed I started to go through the whole mess about 9:30pm.

As Erik tied his shoes as he prepared to exercise in the next room he asked if he needed to be concerned -- as he watched the pile of papers unloaded from the bag! (I think he was imagining late fee's all over the place)... "No I just pay everything on line every couple weeks..." I think his eye's went even bigger! Poor guy as if he isn't stressed enough with the huge amount of work he is dealing with right now!

I don't know what my problem is keeping up with this stuff. Do any of you have the same problem? I used to be so good. I have my little schedule... M-Th I clean specific things each day, on Friday's I do the little odd jobs and used to spend time in the office... but something has happened and I just keep putting off my Friday work!

I guess driving to Orem M,T,W,F for swimming lessons for Elizabeth & Claire has taken a lot of time. We have spent a small fortune on lessons, but it's worth it because Elizabeth can swim and float and save herself and she's almost 4! Claire is doing great too and is getting more comfortable with her body in the water and floating. It may seem like a simple thing to go to swimming lessons but it's the drive time, being there, then coming home to bathe them...etc. etc. etc. Are you amazed at the time some of the seemingly small activities seem to take up in your life?

Sometimes I feel like all I do is run kids around: dance, violin, speech, swimming, activity days... and then all the misc. other responsibilities that fill in the rest of my time. I am so looking forward to summer... well... maybe July, as June is already pretty filled up with things... I am so tempted to take a break from dance. Can you imagine just having a couple days to lay around? Ahh... I can feel the warm sun and a book right now (no, no book, just resting in the sun...)

I know the kids need down time because play time is brain development time and also helps kids manage stress. The other day I noticed kids who had been out playing all afternoon, still out late into the evening... how do they mange it? With 30 minutes reading, 20 minutes on spelling, another 10 on math games/flashcards, practicing violin for 30-60min. plus time spent at various lessons, we seem to rarely have time for friends...

For the last few months we have had to do major catch up on Sundays for scripture reading. Maybe I need to get a chapter read to the girls when I have family prayer with the girls... hummm that just might work... Erik is USUALLY home in time to say goodnight to the girls and have family prayer... then they are off to sleep. I am usually so exhausted and we are pushing 8:30pm so it's a quick song and lights out. Poor Elizabeth and Claire don't seem to get bedtime stories like McCall did every night. I try to make it up during the day and stop and take time to read a book, play a game, every once in a while during Claire's nap Elizabeth will persuade me to watch Sound of Music with her... I always know she needs some Mom time when she picks that one because it's one I might actually sit through.

I know this is long -- it's more journaling and getting out what I need to say than anything interesting for readers, I also know that our life right now -- and for the past 6 months -- has been a little out of control and not quite normal, but I'd love to hear how others manage and keep up with everything... or maybe you don't?

Falling Back

I love the fall but I've never really liked the fact that we lose daylight, and when the time changes we lose our evening light. (I personally hate driving home from McCall's dance when it's dark out.)

But on mornings like today, I enjoy the change. The kids were all in bed and ASLEEP last night by 8pm. Which meant, Erik and I were in bed at 9, asleep by 10pm.

This morning without the usual drudgery I was up reading scriptures and enjoying my "me time". When McCall was awake I already had a jump on things. Beds were made, children dressed, pancakes cooking, violin practiced, faces washed, teeth brushed, breakfast cleaned up, family prayer said, and still time to chat and give a little extra time for some loves before seeing McCall out the door. Elizabeth and Claire waving and yelling to McCall as she walked with neighbors down the street.

So... before heading up to spend some time with some treasured storybooks, I thought I'd jot down some of these feelings, hopefully I'll be able to continue this morning energy and schedule for the next few months!

Our own Walden

Conference always seems to come just when I need it most. Maybe after 6 months the previous enlightenment has started to fade away and I need to submerge myself in the enriching talks once more. It seems like, while every talk is excellent, that a few are specifically just for me, directed to me, by a loving Father in Heaven.

Maybe it's because it was the first talk that it sticks our so prominently in my head. Maybe it is my love of Henry David Thoreau. I loved Elder L. Tom Perry's address on Saturday morning. I love the thought of creating our own Walden. As he broke down Thoreau's 4 necessities here are some of my quick thoughts and notes on what I heard...

1. Food: Take care of our bodies, follow the Word of Wisdom, get enough sleep; by following this counsel our bodies will be able to fulfill what is required of us. By showing respect and honoring our bodies we show obedience to God. I thought about trying to take care of my body just so it's healthy better than I have. I don't want to go to extremes, I don't want to be blown about by every new wind of doctrine - just be aware and smart.

Note to self: Get better Sleep!

2. Shelter: Live within our income & don't run into debt. Simplify our lives, create less, use less, save, thrift, ALL THE PROBLEMS OF SOCIETY STEM FROM LIVING OVER ONES MEANS. Don't get caught up in having more, don't think that what the world says is appropriate and acceptable in homes is what the Lord will look on as an acceptable use of His(our) funds. I hear of people who are losing businesses, homes, cars and such and it makes me upset because the irresponsibility of so many is causing this problem in the economy which effects everyone. We have always been counseled since the times of Joseph in Egypt that there will be times of plenty and times of famine. In those times of plenty why don't people store up something to weather the famine? People who purchased too big of a home, too much spent on a car, too much spent and not enough stored, and now the inability to sustain that lifestyle means the economy is ruined by so many bad choices by individuals. I feel bad for the employee's of businesses who's owners have done nothing but spend every cent they brought in. If those owners had stored some they would not be having to shut down and lay off so many or close down. Isn't this what Christ taught, think of others and not your own needs?

3. Clothing: simple and modest clothing, the way we dress effects our behavior and attitudes, CASUAL DRESS=CASUAL MANNERS, avoid grasping the wrong attention through dress, The Mockers of then and now had pride in there dress. With three daughters in my care I realize that every message I send to my daughters affects them more than anything the world is telling them, and unfortunately the world is telling them horrible, salvation destroying things. I think of the lilies of the field Matt. 6:28, why should we take thought...spend energy on our outward appearance so much when the lilies of the field are arrayed in the splendor and glory which Christ gave them.

Note to self: As I think of this, and my own thoughts and desires for my body, I think of my cute hubby, who, whenever I complain of my sagging chest or my chunky tummy, tells me how beautiful I am and that those things are not important. He is more concerned with my eternal salvation and happiness then a moments satisfaction in worldly pride here on earth. He is an ANGEL sent from heaven!

4. Fuel: Before he even started talking of this 4th necessity I was already thinking in the spiritual realm as opposed to storing wood, fuel, and oil. Be as the 5 virgins who had oil, be prepared, acquire a knowledge of His plan and our place in it. I loved that last bit. Isn't it true that if we really understand His plan, if we really conceptualize who we are and what we are doing here then everything falls into place and we are able to stand firm and avoid being swayed by the doctrines of Man = Satan.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I thought this is a meaningful video..especially what is being portrayed to our youth. I say youth because I so not believe it is just our daughter, boys seeing men or women portrayed in an incorrect light have misconstrued understanding too.

You'll want to pause the music on this blog before playing....

Flash back because it's Friday

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE Autumn. I think it just may be my very favorite season. I love new jeans, fabulous new sweaters, school supplies, crisp air, open windows all night long, cuddling under a soft down comforter with the cool air in the room stimulating my face and cheeks. The smell of over ripe fruits and veggies, decaying matter, the canner steaming in the kitchen, shinny glass quart bottles - filling my kitchen counter - filled with preserved treasures to give my family in the coming year. Fall leaves of yellow, orange, and red; a warm jacket and a drive up the canyon - roasted hot dogs, or maybe a turkey sandwich on crusty wheat bread, and apple beer - all to the sounds echoing off the canyon walls in the cool Autumn air. Organizing and scouring the house to prepare my nest for a long winter indoors...

To this mention of indoors I flash back to summer. This summer one of our favorite activities -- I almost hate to share it (it was so wonderful) and I hate to think others might start doing it and take our favorite grove -- but our favorite activity was heading out to Thanksgiving Point Gardens, taking a quilt, water, a snack (sometimes a delicious and ridiculously overpriced chocolate truffle for each of us) -- and spreading out beneath a grove of trees to read. The girls loved to lay and gaze around them looking at earth and it's beauty and listen to me read them a story. Edward Tulane, the Little Prince, among others, danced and played under the canopy of trees in the girls imagination.

I love reading at bedtime, I love reading Fancy Nancy to Elizabeth all day long, Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Mouse Paint to Claire...I love reading with my girls... but there is something magical about being outdoors, removed, separated from the house and it's distractions and completely immersing ourselves in the tale of a china rabbit, or a tiny prince on a tiny planet...

This is my flash back...I will miss those quite times, those peaceful times, those times when I feel like I am drinking in every moment, each second, of the joy which is so fleeting as our little ones grow. I am reminded of the scripture..."Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10)... As I would sit under the shade of our beloved trees, watching the eyes of my girls on me as they waited to see if we could read "one more chapter...pleeease?" I think of Heaven and I feel it all around me -- I want this very moment to go on forever, to never stop. As the season changes, I feel a twinge of pain to think that our time together in our grove has passed...sure there is next year...but the girls will be a year older, a year closer to moving on, someday leaving me. As much as I adore autumn, right now, in this moment, I wish I could banish it, send it away and hold on to summer just a little while longer.

Sweet and Simple

I have spent the last week trying to implement the above thought...I have found that as I FOCUS more completely on getting done what the Lord wants me to do, I am able to accomplish so much more and the day is just better. So many times in the past I felt overwhelmed with everything I needed or wanted to get done. Lately I have been sporadic in my scripture study and morning prayers. I never seemed to get on top of all that needed to get done and I always felt like I needed to do MORE, MORE, MORE -- I still have yet to accomplish everything I feel I need to do -- but I have had such a turn around.

Maybe it's being free of guilt. All morning I'd tell myself to get down on my knee's and pray and the day would just keep slipping away. Or stop everything and take a moment to open up the scriptures and contemplate a chapter. Every evening as I prayed I'd feel guilty for not getting things right to fill my personal spiritual reservoir. As a family we are getting things right but I was sacrificing my spiritual needs to what I felt were the demands of the day.

It is sort of the Chicken or the Egg question...was my day better because I read my scriptures, opened my morning on my knee's, knelt with the girls before school? OR because I took care of those things first, was I able to fulfill everything else through the day without the frustration of knowing I left something important out. Is it simply obedience to His counsel or was there something physical in the things I read that helped me to better manage the day?

I am so grateful to the Lord for helping me to filter through the unimportant and FOCUS on what is important. I have always wanted to be a good mother and wife and I know that children learn by example. I don't just want my daughters to know the facts about the gospel. More important than reciting the dates and names, I want them to know and understand and live those principles.

So in honor of NieNie... even though after school we had violin to practice, spelling words to study, reading to complete, scavenger items to find, signs to make, quilt square to finish...breath....the girls and I spent the hour before heading off to dance creating notes on strips of paper telling people to read and inside writing things like "You are special." "You are beautiful." "God loves You!" We hid some of them today and tomorrow after school we will go around town and hide the rest so that someone can find a little fortune note to remind them of their worth and to enjoy the little things! (And you know, amazingly, we were able to finish everything on my above list this evening!)

Disappointment & Gardner Village

So it's been forever since I've posted. Life has been crazy. Our entire family got the gumbo a week ago and everyone was throwing up and just plain miserable. Of coarse it followed just days after getting all our carpets cleaned (luckily we avoided major disaster).

Then I did a little soul searching over the past week and evaluated myself as a parent. I've been crazy driving McCall to 4 hours of dance a week, 1 hour of violin, Elizabeth 1 hour of dance, trying to keep a 1 year old entertained the whole time, doing homework and practicing dance and violin and I was just feeling really strung up. So I talked with some good therapists (my friends) and was able to step back and look at what result I wanted and what I was doing to get there.

I found that I was placing too much pressure on my kids and that I needed to step back. There is such a fine line between not expecting enough out of your kids and then on the other side of the spectrum putting too much pressure and expectations on them.

A Stake President in Alpine once said that kids should be allowed to be involved in two things. He split it up into one thing they want and one thing the parents wanted. As I have evaluated and read, and talked to other people I admire...I really saw the negative effects of over stimulating children in too many things and I also understood the effects of the other style -- not allowing children to develop skills and talents, not expecting high things out of them.

So I am really trying to back off a little on my expectations and the pressure I put on my kids. I still expect lots of great things but I am laying off just a bit.

I also am focusing on getting up early to take care of the all important scripture study and prayer and trying to implement better morning prayer with the girls before school -- which I haven't been very good at.

AFTER all this soul searching I was really looking forward to a St. George trip with some of my friends but the week had been so hard on my family being sick and all and we have the drama with Elizabeth now...swimming...memories of throwing up...she thinks if she eats dinner she will throw up now...she cries and covers her mouth up at the dinner table now...we told her she'd have to go to bed if she doesn't try and she doesn't even battle it...she just goes and gets her pajamas on and gets into bed. It is heartbreaking!!! But what can I do -- I won't force her after all the trauma she's been through.

Anyway, I was so excited for this St. George trip but mid week I realized I just couldn't leave them for the weekend. I was so disappointed but thank you Mandi for cheering me up. Mandi and I headed up to Gardner Village on Saturday and did some shopping (I am loving my new top and necklace) and we grabbed some yummy food at the restaurant, which I'm craving right now... Did a little house touring (if I had an extra $100,000 sitting around this house on her block would be mine! Someday when it's right it will happen.) I found a tv stand that I think just might work...oh, and Pumpkin fudge is in season. So all around it was a great trip! Thanks for cheering me up and making me happy & laugh Mandi!

I had book club this week too and I just LOVE the girls at book club. We just have the neatest women and we always have the best discussions. There are so many women I look up to and so it's so great to get together once a month with them.

I'm so grateful for a Father in Heaven who has a plan for each of us. For the angels he sends to comfort and counsel and help us through! I feel really blessed!!!!!!!

On my Honor to do my Best

I'll be upfront and tell you right now I am just going to rant a bit -- but I just spent an hour and a half trying to accomplish two minor things at the scout office amid my fed up three year old, and my fussing 1 year old. It is time's like this that I really start to question the whole scouting program. Not the benefits of the program and what it means to the boys -- I think those are all good things. I just wish the church would jump in and reorganize it. Cut out all the read tape and simplify the process; cut out all the ridiculous fee's and procedures set up just to necessitate expense; reduce the cost of uniforms and badges, neckerchiefs and socks; eliminate the high fee's and charges for camps and charges simply to be a unit. Maybe this frustration and growing hostility stems partly from the fact that on Sunday I was handed the "friends of scouting" packet for the third or fourth time since being called as committee chair -- and I'm just done being that annoying person asking parents/leaders to go out and collect money, participate in flags, get this application signed again because the scout office made a mistake and we have to pay for it....

It's moments like this that I have to remind myself that I was called by the Lord to serve here and he expects me to fulfill my responsibilities the best that I can. SOOOOOO...That is why I continue to drag my girls around and wait in long lines and hope that someday they grow up knowing what sacrifice means and how much I love the Lord. I just need to remember why I'm doing this sometimes!

So seriously, I just got to this point and was going to post and McCall said their was someone at the door. I went up and this little boy was standing there and I thought -- I guess it's that time of year, schools started and time for fundraising. Then the little boy said he was lost and didn't know where he was and could he call his mom? I gave him the phone and he called and just started crying. I felt so bad and I asked if he wanted me to talk to his mom. I told her where he was and she seemed hesitant and asked if I could point him in the right direction and send him home (she couldn't get him right now for some reason.) He was pretty scared and still had two miles of difficult roads to maneuver on the googled map. (I won't tell you what my opinion is of the mother who didn't drop everything and come pick him up but I don't know what was going at their house.) I loaded my girls in, his bike and had him climb in and drove him home up by Eaglecrest Elementary to make sure he made it home safely - I was worried he'd get lost again. He was only 11 years old. I guess the map reading and navigation is important and whatever means necessary, scouting and all, to help youth acquire important skills is important. Maybe my calling isn't so hopeless!

Another Tender Mercy. Thank you!

Twilight Series

So I am one of those weird people...no I mean to continue...who like something until it starts to catch on and then when lots of other people get into it, like it, know about it, etc. ...well, I start to move on to something else. I guess it comes from my brother's advice when I was in 7th or 8th grade and we were school shopping. I told my mom I'd rather wait until I started school and then see what other kids were wearing and then shop. My brother (I won't mention any names Brendan), jumped right in and told me I should set my own style and find things I liked, and others would follow. I really appreciated his advice and I tried to follow it. Maybe I've just taken it a little too far and become a bit freakish with it.

So...back from memory lane and back to the theme of my blog...Twilight. So I got into it early on...before people knew right away who Bella and Edward were. (Thanks Paula). Anyway, I enjoyed the book with the exception of a few things which I now want to get off my chest! I mean no disrespect to Stephenie's books -- I do enjoy them -- although I've never gotten all freakish about them. And I will add that this might be some of the above mentioned disorder filtering through...

Can this girl have her blood pressure checked?

I mean come on, I know it was written for teens, but you can only handle so much swooning and fainting. Falling into Edwards arms this, catch her when she trips that... Arggg. Hopefully she turns out bloodless in book four and can toughen up a bit. :)

IS ANYONE EDITING THESE BOOKS!!!????

The first book was plagued with editing errors and in fairness, I can give it up to the fact it was the first publication, from a smaller publisher, with limited budget and financing. Okay, but then we come to number 2, maybe the budget still wasn't great but come on by number three couldn't they have cleaned it up a bit. I can't imagine what I will find in the fourth and final book (I'm glad it ends here -- not that I don't enjoy the books but she's begun to drag it out a bit, I think in attempts to get more money...sell out -- oh did I say that out loud?) Anyhoooo....I'm not saying that I am an expert on grammar -- I make a heck of a lot of mistakes -- especially when my mind is racing to get my thoughts to the screen -- but this book is going out to millions of people, the publisher is pulling in millions so why not spend some of that on editing?

I hope I don't sound like a book snob, I don't mean to -- even if I may be a bit of one secretly -- but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Now that I've typed this and the floors are mopped I can go upstairs and read Breaking Dawn while dinner cooks!!!!